Saturday, April 5, 2014

Top of My Wishlist: A Time Machine

Like everyone, I have a wish list. On it are several things. Some big, some small. All are things that can't just be done. I wish summer was here, I wish my husband would lead our family in the Faith, I wish money wasn't so tight. Most of all, at the very top of my wishlist, I wish I had a time machine.

If I had a time machine, I would go back to the very moment I found out I was pregnant with little Charlotte Marie, and get on progesterone. If I still lost her, I would go back to yesterday, when I saw a small figure in the bottom of the toilet and fish it out. I wondered before I flushed if that could be the baby, and I don't know how or why, but somehow I flushed before I was sure it was or wasn't. It was only after I flushed that I realized there had been a tiny string of an umbilical cord attached to it. Now, I can't get the image out of my head. How I wish I could go back, fish the baby out, and give it a proper burial. Why did I look in the toilet anyway? Why did God let me look? Why, if I looked, did He not hide it, or why did He only let me realize too late what it was? I'm not angry, least, not yet. I'm just confused and devastated. I don't understand how God could finally grant us a baby after all this time, only to let it end this way.

I think I'm doing alright, considering, but it's hardest when it's quiet. Morning and night seem to be the times (at least for now) that the tears come, and there's just no stopping them. The way our house is laid out, my walk-in closet is off of our bathroom, with no other rooms around it, except my bedroom. I've found the closet to be my cry room. I go in the bathroom, lock the door, and go in my closet. Nobody can hear my cries in there, and I can pull myself together before anybody sees me, and gives me the pity face. The only better place I've found to cry is in my husband's arms. Somehow, just his arms around me give me so much comfort.

Please, if you would, just pray for us. Just for peace and understanding, and for me to stop seeing that tiny body every time I close my eyes.

Thanks, and God Bless.

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