Well, I survived Christmas, everyone is healthy again, and I never DID catch it. Still can't figure out how. But, bright side of Emma having a 104 fever (that I was able to bring down to 98 in just 10 minutes with Peppermint essential oil), was that it was just the four of us for Christmas. It was exactly the Christmas I needed this year. Quiet, low-key, no expectations, no pressure. I even found this perfect poem that I posted on Facebook to remember Charlotte by. I can't honestly say that I enjoyed Christmas without my mom and Charlotte, but I got through it with no tears, so that's something. I had to put my antidepressant blend on like 5 times instead of 2, but still...
Since Christmas, I found out that Frankincense (one of the oils in my antidepressant blend) can actually lower cortisol, and since I have adrenal fatigue (my cortisol levels are much too low), I've been trying not to use my blend on a schedule, but only if I REALLY need it. I've been maintaining my peace pretty well on my own except for this last (awful) weekend. With the kids being sick, we had to postpone the extended family Christmas until this last Saturday (with Christmas break, it was the next weekend that Chocolate Chip was here after Christmas). My MIL largely ignored me at Thanksgiving, and I was hoping for similar treatment this last weekend. I should have known that I wouldn't be that lucky 2 vists in a row... All was going fairly decently until she asked me when we would have another baby while rocking an invisible baby in her arms. I just stared at her, trying to get my heart back in place and out of my stomach. I told her that we'd been trying for years, and that it was up to God. Of course, she couldn't let it go, and started asking about testing, drugs, etc. She knows we lost Charlotte in April. Finally, my wonderful husband (who was in another room) came in and rescued me. Still, my heart was shattered. Obviously, I cried myself to sleep that night. I'm not really mad at her. She just has no filter and no sense. Still, I don't think she's asked me about babies since we first got married almost 9 years ago...horrible timing.
Anyway, the next day was Sunday, and I was still nursing my broken heart when a friend who is living a less than ideal life told me that she's 4 months pregnant...and she has a 5 month old. I didn't even know that was physically possible! I just started crying. Even she commented that it didn't seem fair. That I have a husband, try to live a good, holy life (I said try), desperately want another baby, and all I've gotten is heartache. She is single, overwhelmed, and babies just fall in her lap....
I had prayed during Mass that my peace would be restored. I realized around dinnertime yesterday that I was almost back to the level of peace I had enjoyed before the weekend started. That can only be from God. I'm not strong enough on my own to have gotten past all that that fast.
Finally, some good news. A friend of mine (who has lost 2 babies) told me about a new doctor she's seeing right before Christmas. She encouraged me to make an appointment for myself, and gave me the number. I'll admit that between the family being sick, and trying to get through the holidays in one piece, I totally forgot about it. Then, I ran into her after Mass yesterday, and she made me promise to call him. I was hesitating, because my naturopath had just started me on some new supplements, and I wanted to give them a month or two to see what happened. She said it would take at least 3 months to get in with him anyway, and I could always cancel. So, yesterday I called and they were able to get me in in just over ONE month (February 23)!!! I'm excited and scared at the same time. I already have a sitter lined up for Emma. I just haven't had a chance to tell Mark yet. Hopefully tonight we'll be able to sneak a few moments alone to talk.
Well, gotta go now. Emma's working on preparing a presentation and poster about Ancient Rome for our Co-op on Friday. I promised her we could finish the poster this morning.
God Bless you and keep you!
Dana
