Friday, April 11, 2014

Receiving Grace and Healing Tears

Exactly one week since my miscarriage, and I'm doing a lot better. I still have sharp pains in my heart, and tear up unexpectedly, but the pain is much duller, and the tears fewer and less frequently. Physically, I'm back to 100%, which in itself is a huge blessing. A friend of mine, who also lost a child at 6 weeks said it took her 3 weeks. From start to finish, it was about a week and a half for me. Looking back over the week, I think my healing truly began when I received Our Lord in the Eucharist on Sunday.
The tears started flowing the moment I received the Eucharist on my tongue, and they didn't slow until I had finished praying. I remember asking Jesus to hold me and hug my soul. He gave me such a lasting comfort and peace. I also remember telling Him no matter how much it might hurt right now, that He has my permission to give me any suffering or cross He wants to, as long as He makes me a saint so I can meet my precious baby in Heaven one day. I always ask to know the Will of God, and to always have the grace and the courage to follow it. Little by little, each day since then, I have gotten better. Today, I've done really good. I don't think I've even teared up much today.
Really, just today I'm suddenly in a place where I still think about the baby, and miss what might have been, but I'd rather not discuss it anymore, and if everyone would just go back to normal, that would be great. We've gotten 3 sympathy cards, and I got one in the mail today. It's nice, and I appreciate knowing people are thinking of us and praying for us, but I'm ready to move forward now. I just wish I knew how to get my mom in the same place. We went to a Catholic bookstore today, and while I was looking at something with Emma, my mom told the salesperson about the miscarriage, and the lady brought me two books about it to look at. I didn't even want to read the back cover. I just handed them back a little while later. I'm trying to move on, not dwell on it. Of course, it's only been a week, so I'm having a little bit of a hard time with guilt, thinking I should still be heavily into the grieving, and that something must be wrong with me that I'm so much better so fast. Of course, I did ask Jesus to help me, so maybe I should just be grateful.
Off topic, but I'm mad at Blogger right now. The last two posts I've written, it has screwed up majorly. I tend to write most of my posts on my phone, and when I go from writing to saving, a lot of times, most or all of what I've written just goes POOF, and I have to re-type it. For instance, this is the third time I've written this one. The first two versions were much better, I think, but for the life of me, I can't remember what I wrote. Oh, well.
Back on topic, I'm finally sleeping again. Last week, I was so upset about losing the baby, that I couldn't sleep, and before that I was so worried that I was going to lose the baby that I didn't sleep well then either (plus the frequent potty trips in the night). Last night, I don't think I even moved all night. It was glorious. Anyway, I have two last things I'd like to leave you with. They're two different quotes about suffering.
This first one is a quote from Jesus to St. Faustina about suffering.
The second quote is from Mother Theresa. I love this one from 33 Days to Morning Glory: "Suffering has to come because if you look at the cross, he has got his head bending down — he wants to kiss you — and he has both hands open wide — he wants to embrace you. He has his heart opened wide to receive you. Then when you feel miserable inside, look at the cross and you will know what is happening. Suffering, pain, sorrow, humiliation, feelings of loneliness, are nothing but the kiss of Jesus, a sign that you have come so close that he can kiss you. Do you understand, brothers, sisters, or whoever you may be? Suffering, pain, humiliation — this is the kiss of Jesus. At times you come so close to Jesus on the cross that he can kiss you. I once told this to a lady who was suffering very much. She answered, “Tell Jesus not to kiss me — to stop kissing me.” That suffering has to come that came in the life of Our Lady, that came in the life of Jesus — it has to come in our life also. Only never put on a long face. Suffering is a gift from God. It is between you and Jesus alone inside."
The one from Jesus to St. Faustina really struck me when I read it in adoration yesterday. I'm still trying to figure out what it means, but it must really be important, because I kept going back to it. If you have any idea what it means, I'd love to hear your thoughts. The one from Mother Theresa is just beautiful. And, of course, the book of Job is great in difficult times. I lost one child. He lost all of his children, and his house, and his health, and he still praised God! That is truly inspiring.
Praise God in all things, and He will carry you through the storms.


  1. We haven't commented much, but we're reading. I lucked out I guess, not knowing what to say and now being asked to change the subject! :)

    Take care.

    Btw, I like the Blogaway app for phone posts.

    1. Thanks. Just good to know somebody's out there, sometimes. Good to know about the app. I'll try that. :-)

  2. I was just wandering through mom blogs and I found this: Maybe you might find it helpful, maybe you just want to move on. But I had to share it.
    Also, Psalms is a wonderful place to go when in any kind of grief or pain. The Psalmists went through so much!
    I find the quotes you posted a little boggling. It doesn't make sense to me that God, who loves us and hates evil, would be pleased by our sufferings. Where is that St. Faustina quote from?

    1. Thanks, I will check out that blog. I'm mostly doing better, and trying to move on, but something will hit me out of nowhere sometimes, and I'm suddenly brought to tears, or at least near tears.

      I've never really read much of the Psalms. I know that's strange, since I'm Jewish by birth, but we do sing parts of the Psalms at Mass on Sundays. I will look closer at those too. Any specific Psalms I should start with, you think? There's like 150 of them, aren't there?

      I don't know if I would say that God is pleased by our sufferings just for sufferings sake. I think it's that God is pleased by how we can become more like Jesus in our sufferings, especially when we embrace our crosses and offer it to God for His greater Glory. I've taken to asking Jesus to do whatever it takes, no matter how much it might hurt me in this life, just to make me a saint, so that I can spend eternity with the Holy Trinity, Mary, and my precious baby in Heaven. I think that's what pleases God, not the suffering itself. Does that make any sense?

      The St. Faustina quote is from the authorized biography, "The Life of Faustina Kowalska" by Sister Sophia Michalenko, C.M.G.T., page 74.