Receiving Grace and Healing Tears

Exactly one week since my miscarriage, and I'm doing a lot better. I still have sharp pains in my heart, and tear up unexpectedly, but the pain is much duller, and the tears fewer and less frequently. Physically, I'm back to 100%, which in itself is a huge blessing. A friend of mine, who also lost a child at 6 weeks said it took her 3 weeks. From start to finish, it was about a week and a half for me. Looking back over the week, I think my healing truly began when I received Our Lord in the Eucharist on Sunday.

 

The tears started flowing the moment I received the Eucharist on my tongue, and they didn't slow until I had finished praying. I remember asking Jesus to hold me and hug my soul. He gave me such a lasting comfort and peace. I also remember telling Him no matter how much it might hurt right now, that He has my permission to give me any suffering or cross He wants to, as long as He makes me a saint so I can meet my precious baby in Heaven one day. I always ask to know the Will of God, and to always have the grace and the courage to follow it. Little by little, each day since then, I have gotten better. Today, I've done really good. I don't think I've even teared up much today.

 

Really, just today I'm suddenly in a place where I still think about the baby, and miss what might have been, but I'd rather not discuss it anymore, and if everyone would just go back to normal, that would be great. We've gotten 3 sympathy cards, and I got one in the mail today. It's nice, and I appreciate knowing people are thinking of us and praying for us, but I'm ready to move forward now. I just wish I knew how to get my mom in the same place. We went to a Catholic bookstore today, and while I was looking at something with Emma, my mom told the salesperson about the miscarriage, and the lady brought me two books about it to look at. I didn't even want to read the back cover. I just handed them back a little while later. I'm trying to move on, not dwell on it. Of course, it's only been a week, so I'm having a little bit of a hard time with guilt, thinking I should still be heavily into the grieving, and that something must be wrong with me that I'm so much better so fast. Of course, I did ask Jesus to help me, so maybe I should just be grateful.

 

Off topic, but I'm mad at Blogger right now. The last two posts I've written, it has screwed up majorly. I tend to write most of my posts on my phone, and when I go from writing to saving, a lot of times, most or all of what I've written just goes POOF, and I have to re-type it. For instance, this is the third time I've written this one. The first two versions were much better, I think, but for the life of me, I can't remember what I wrote. Oh, well.

 

Back on topic, I'm finally sleeping again. Last week, I was so upset about losing the baby, that I couldn't sleep, and before that I was so worried that I was going to lose the baby that I didn't sleep well then either (plus the frequent potty trips in the night). Last night, I don't think I even moved all night. It was glorious. Anyway, I have two last things I'd like to leave you with. They're two different quotes about suffering.

This first one is a quote from Jesus to St. Faustina about suffering.

 

The second quote is from Mother Theresa. I love this one from 33 Days to Morning Glory: "Suffering has to come because if you look at the cross, he has got his head bending down — he wants to kiss you — and he has both hands open wide — he wants to embrace you. He has his heart opened wide to receive you. Then when you feel miserable inside, look at the cross and you will know what is happening. Suffering, pain, sorrow, humiliation, feelings of loneliness, are nothing but the kiss of Jesus, a sign that you have come so close that he can kiss you. Do you understand, brothers, sisters, or whoever you may be? Suffering, pain, humiliation — this is the kiss of Jesus. At times you come so close to Jesus on the cross that he can kiss you. I once told this to a lady who was suffering very much. She answered, “Tell Jesus not to kiss me — to stop kissing me.” That suffering has to come that came in the life of Our Lady, that came in the life of Jesus — it has to come in our life also. Only never put on a long face. Suffering is a gift from God. It is between you and Jesus alone inside."

 

The one from Jesus to St. Faustina really struck me when I read it in adoration yesterday. I'm still trying to figure out what it means, but it must really be important, because I kept going back to it. If you have any idea what it means, I'd love to hear your thoughts. The one from Mother Theresa is just beautiful. And, of course, the book of Job is great in difficult times. I lost one child. He lost all of his children, and his house, and his health, and he still praised God! That is truly inspiring.

 

 

Praise God in all things, and He will carry you through the storms.

Dana



Tiny Funerals and Beautiful Friends

Saturday evening after dinner, everybody went in the backyard, said a few words, and since we didn't have a body to bury, we put a few mementos in a container and buried it. Emma had colored several pictures for the baby, Chocolate Chip wrote a letter, Mark put in his class ring, and I tried my best not to cry. Even my mom came out, and we set up a chair for her by the hole. It really was a beautiful little ceremony. I took some pictures to remember it by. I'd like to share them here. I've already shared them on Facebook, but some of them were so beautiful, they deserve to be shared as much as possible.

This is one of the drawings that Emma did for the baby.

It's a picture of her and the baby inside a heart (heart is upside-down), with green grass, and a blue sky.

This is Emma giving "her baby" (the closest thing we had to it, anyway) one last hug.

 

Chocolate Chip and Emma burying the container. We all took turns putting some dirt on it.

 

I think it did help some, having some way to say goodbye to our tiny baby. I just wish the baby had been old enough to have a face, and for us to be able to have had something to hold, even for the briefest moment. It would also have been nice to be able to be certain of the baby's gender. I'd hate to get to Heaven one day (God willing), and find out my Charlotte Marie was actually a boy. I guess we'll just call it Charlie. Anyway, as I'm sure you can imagine, I've been a mess. We had both been trying for a baby for so long when I got pregnant, and I had yearned for a baby for a long time before that. It just doesn't seem fair. My husband has already mentioned trying again. I'm not even close to ready yet. I don't know when I will be. I don't know that I'd survive this again. I'm barely surviving this one.

 

On a brighter note, I have the most wonderful friends around me. So many people have told me they're praying for us, that I've lost count. Many of those people are folks I've never even met in person. I've met them on Facebook, and they have become like family. One Facebook friend wrote the most beautiful    poem for me. I'll try to remember to copy and paste it here on Sunday. Another one of my very good friends, Emma's godmother, came over for awhile today. She brought me a tiny Jade plant clipping in memory of tiny Charlotte. The thought, and the plant are both so beautiful. I really hope I don't kill it. I have such a black thumb. ;-) Then, yesterday after Mass, a woman I had seen before, but never met came up to us, and said that she didn't know what was wrong, but that she saw we were upset about something (it was probably the tears rolling down my cheeks as soon as I received Our Lord in the Eucharist), and wanted us to know she's praying for us. How sweet is that?!

 

I know I'll get through this, and God willing, go on to have a healthy child, but right now I'm teetering between being numb, heart-crushing agony, and feeling empty. I've come to enjoy the numbness. It's far superior to the heart-crushing agony.

 

Since our baby was so very tiny, and I never got a chance to hold it, I went searching the internet for some kind of memento I could keep to remember it by. I found this thing on Etsy that looked good, so I ordered one for $5, but what I got in the mail today looked nothing like the picture. In fact, it didn't even look like an embryo. It was supposed to be a life-like, accurate sized model of a 6 week old embryo. It looked like a tiny shrimp. It wasn't even the right size. Seriously. I'm probably just going to throw it away. It was absolutely no help at all.

 

Meanwhile, I found a different website that has the same sort of thing. I'm considering trying again, but after the shrimp experience, I'm not so sure.

 

I think I am doing a little better maybe. I only outright cried once today, and snapped at Emma only twice. Poor Emma. She doesn't quite get it. One minute, she's saying stuff like "I'm glad the baby's gone, because it would be crying a lot", and the next minute she's saying "I wish I could kiss the baby (meaning my belly), but it's gone." She also doesn't understand why I'm still so sad. I explained to her today that I'm sad because my baby died, that it would be like if she or Sissy had died. She just snuggled up to me in bed quietly for awhile after that, and eventually went to sleep. I think she might have an inkling now.

 

You know, a week ago today, I was pregnant, and happy, and everything was right in my world. What happened???

 

Anyway, I'm off to my prayers and then bed.

 

 

Goodnight, and God Bless

Dana

Top of My Wishlist: A Time Machine

Like everyone, I have a wish list. On it are several things. Some big, some small. All are things that can't just be done. I wish summer was here, I wish my husband would lead our family in the Faith, I wish money wasn't so tight. Most of all, at the very top of my wishlist, I wish I had a time machine.

If I had a time machine, I would go back to the very moment I found out I was pregnant with little Charlotte Marie, and get on progesterone. If I still lost her, I would go back to yesterday, when I saw a small figure in the bottom of the toilet and fish it out. I wondered before I flushed if that could be the baby, and I don't know how or why, but somehow I flushed before I was sure it was or wasn't. It was only after I flushed that I realized there had been a tiny string of an umbilical cord attached to it. Now, I can't get the image out of my head. How I wish I could go back, fish the baby out, and give it a proper burial. Why did I look in the toilet anyway? Why did God let me look? Why, if I looked, did He not hide it, or why did He only let me realize too late what it was? I'm not angry, somehow...at least, not yet. I'm just confused and devastated. I don't understand how God could finally grant us a baby after all this time, only to let it end this way.

I think I'm doing alright, considering, but it's hardest when it's quiet. Morning and night seem to be the times (at least for now) that the tears come, and there's just no stopping them. The way our house is laid out, my walk-in closet is off of our bathroom, with no other rooms around it, except my bedroom. I've found the closet to be my cry room. I go in the bathroom, lock the door, and go in my closet. Nobody can hear my cries in there, and I can pull myself together before anybody sees me, and gives me the pity face. The only better place I've found to cry is in my husband's arms. Somehow, just his arms around me give me so much comfort.

Please, if you would, just pray for us. Just for peace and understanding, and for me to stop seeing that tiny body every time I close my eyes.

Thanks, and God Bless.
Dana

Job 1:21

“Naked I came forth from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I go back there. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD!” ~ Job 1:21

I had more bloodwork done yesterday, and the dr called this morning to say the results indicated we had lost the baby. My hcg level had dropped when it was supposed to double. I'm supposed to go back on Thursday or Friday next week to make sure my levels go back to normal.

When we were discussing names for the baby, Chocolate Chip suggested Charlotte. I really loved that name, especially when paired with Marie as a middle name in honor of Our Lady. Mark hated the name, but now that the baby's gone it doesn't really matter anymore, so I'm naming the baby Charlotte Marie. She is in the arms of Our Lord and Our Lady now, being held and loved until we can get to Heaven one day. She will always be in our hearts.

Charlotte Marie, pray for us.

God Bless
Dana

Low on Progesterone?

So, the dr called with my lab results, and my hcg (pregnancy hormone) level was acceptable, but my progesterone (the hormone that maintains the pregnancy) was low. How is that possible? My essential oil I use has progesterone in it! Anyway, my husband is going to get me a pill from the pharmacy, and in the meantime, I splashed on some extra Progessence Plus. Extra prayers are very much appreciated. Still spotting, but no cramping, and not heavy enough to get the dr worried, so that's good. I'm still worried, though.

Jesus I trust in You! St. Gianna, pray for us. St. Gabriel the archangel, pray for us. Blessed Virgin Mary, pray for us! God, please let this baby be okay! Amen!

Dana

April Fools? Not Funny, God!

If you're seeing this today or tomorrow, please say a little prayer for us. When I went to the bathroom this morning, I had a bit of brown spotting. I googled since the dr's office wasn't open yet, and it all looked very reassuring, but as this is baby #3, and I've never had that before, I'm going in this afternoon for bloodwork just to be sure. Then, repeat the hcg level on Thursday to make sure it's rising properly. The nurse on the phone repeated what I had read online, but it would sure ease my mind to have good labwork. We've just waited SO long for this baby!!! Anyway, maybe it's just God's not funny April Fool's joke? I hope so.

Thanks,
Dana

Modest Maternity clothes: Mission Impossible?

In an effort to minimize the impact on our finances, I've started shopping for maternity clothes now, so I won't have to go on a massive shopping spree all at once. Of, course, I'm only like 6 weeks, but I'm already developing a little baby bump (why???), and I DO have clothes from my other two pregnancies, but those were before I really had learned about the importance of modesty, especially while pregnant (when the Hand of God is actively working within to form the baby). Anyway, I've been converting some of my maternity pants into skirts (I've made 3 so far), but am seriously lacking in the tops category.

So, I've been looking online at different maternity websites. Most of what I've found is pants, really low-cut tops, and either sweaters or tank tops, or barely-there short sleeve tops. *sigh* Then, I found this website called Lilo Maternity that actually calls itself modest maternity! Yay! They have long skirts, 3/4 length sleeves, and even a 3/4 length shell to go under less modest t-shirts you might already have! Now, if only there were more options for solid color 3/4 length sleeve t-shirts. Why must they all have a pattern?  In the meantime, I'll at least have something appropriate to wear to Mass and court in June. :-)

Please let me know if you find a website or know of a store where you can buy (for under $30? - why are maternity clothes SO expensive?!) 3/4 length sleeve solid color maternity shirts!

Dana