Trying to Find Joy

This post is a couple of days late, but this is the first opportunity I've had to write, where I really felt up to writing. On May 13 last year, my mom attempted suicide, and that was also the start of her more severe symptoms. On May 13 this year, we found out we will not be getting custody of Chocolate Chip. The year in between was spent taking care of mom, packing up and moving two homes into one, and mourning a child. I honestly don't know how I would have survived the past two May 13's and everything in between without God's Grace and my wonderful husband with my sanity still intact.

Our big court date was supposed to be on June 6, and as far as I knew going into it, the mediation on May 13 was only a formality, and was going to just be a waste of time and money. I was not at all prepared for leaving that building with our decision. Anyway, I go in, and was relieved to find out that it wasn't going to be like anything I had seen on t.v., where everyone is in the same room, fighting over a table. We were in totally separate rooms, and the mediator went back and forth between our rooms.

While the mediator was off talking to him, my lawyer tells me that Chocolate Chip is doing well in school, isn't grotesquely overweight, and has friends. Her father doesn't drive drunk, or beat his wife, and while I should be proud of the changes I've made in my life, and how well I'm doing, I'd only have a 5% chance of getting full custody. So, rather than spend all those extra lawyer fees, only to end up where we started, I agreed to slightly more time with her during the year, a decent increase in time during the summer (starting next year), and I would pay more money. At the time, all I could see was that I had given her away, while I paid more money. I was heartbroken...again. I must say, though, I'm getting pretty good at juggling my crosses.

Today we went to Chocolate Chip's school for an event, and when it was time to go, I literally had to pry Emma off of her, and carry her out, crying. Then, we get home, and Emma helps me plant some flowers I had gotten for Mother's Day. She wanted to plant one on Charlotte's grave, so we did that. All while my dying mother laid down for a nap. See? Pretty good at juggling! *sigh*

So, my new project assigned to me by a wonderful, motherly friend that I met on Facebook, is to try to find some joy. Who knew joy could be so hard to find, and so elusive?

I've known mom was not going to get better for quite a while now, and I've had peace and been able to find joy.

Charlotte died, and after only a month, I've had peace and been able to find joy.

Now this. I'm more at peace today, but seeing Emma this afternoon broke me right in half. I'm working on joy. Any suggestions? I'm totally open to ideas!

Thanks for any prayers, and God Bless all my friends and readers.