Surviving, Trying to Keep My Peace, & Some Good News

Well, I survived Christmas, everyone is healthy again, and I never DID catch it. Still can't figure out how. But, bright side of Emma having a 104 fever (that I was able to bring down to 98 in just 10 minutes with Peppermint essential oil), was that it was just the four of us for Christmas. It was exactly the Christmas I needed this year. Quiet, low-key, no expectations, no pressure. I even found this perfect poem that I posted on Facebook to remember Charlotte by. I can't honestly say that I enjoyed Christmas without my mom and Charlotte, but I got through it with no tears, so that's something. I had to put my antidepressant blend on like 5 times instead of 2, but still...

Since Christmas, I found out that Frankincense (one of the oils in my antidepressant blend) can actually lower cortisol, and since I have adrenal fatigue (my cortisol levels are much too low), I've been trying not to use my blend on a schedule, but only if I REALLY need it. I've been maintaining my peace pretty well on my own except for this last (awful) weekend. With the kids being sick, we had to postpone the extended family Christmas until this last Saturday (with Christmas break, it was the next weekend that Chocolate Chip was here after Christmas). My MIL largely ignored me at Thanksgiving, and I was hoping for similar treatment this last weekend. I should have known that I wouldn't be that lucky 2 vists in a row... All was going fairly decently until she asked me when we would have another baby while rocking an invisible baby in her arms. I just stared at her, trying to get my heart back in place and out of my stomach. I told her that we'd been trying for years, and that it was up to God. Of course, she couldn't let it go, and started asking about testing, drugs, etc. She knows we lost Charlotte in April. Finally, my wonderful husband (who was in another room) came in and rescued me. Still, my heart was shattered. Obviously, I cried myself to sleep that night. I'm not really mad at her. She just has no filter and no sense. Still, I don't think she's asked me about babies since we first got married almost 9 years ago...horrible timing.

Anyway, the next day was Sunday, and I was still nursing my broken heart when a friend who is living a less than ideal life told me that she's 4 months pregnant...and she has a 5 month old. I didn't even know that was physically possible! I just started crying. Even she commented that it didn't seem fair. That I have a husband, try to live a good, holy life (I said try), desperately want another baby, and all I've gotten is heartache. She is single, overwhelmed, and babies just fall in her lap....

I had prayed during Mass that my peace would be restored. I realized around dinnertime yesterday that I was almost back to the level of peace I had enjoyed before the weekend started. That can only be from God. I'm not strong enough on my own to have gotten past all that that fast.

Finally, some good news. A friend of mine (who has lost 2 babies) told me about a new doctor she's seeing right before Christmas. She encouraged me to make an appointment for myself, and gave me the number. I'll admit that between the family being sick, and trying to get through the holidays in one piece, I totally forgot about it. Then, I ran into her after Mass yesterday, and she made me promise to call him. I was hesitating, because my naturopath had just started me on some new supplements, and I wanted to give them a month or two to see what happened. She said it would take at least 3 months to get in with him anyway, and I could always cancel. So, yesterday I called and they were able to get me in in just over ONE month (February 23)!!! I'm excited and scared at the same time. I already have a sitter lined up for Emma. I just haven't had a chance to tell Mark yet.  Hopefully tonight we'll be able to sneak a few moments alone to talk.

Well, gotta go now. Emma's working on preparing a presentation and poster about Ancient Rome for our Co-op on Friday. I promised her we could finish the poster this morning.



God Bless you and keep you!
Dana

Posted via Blogaway

My Christmas Letter...Probably better get the Kleenex ready...

So, I've never done a Christmas letter before. This probably isn't the year to start one, as most of this year was filled with heartache and pain. So, instead of sending one out to everyone, I thought I'd try just writing a blog post. Maybe it'll help me find SOME kind of joy this Christmas...

So, the year started out great! My mother, who had been pretty ill was stabilizing and even ditched the walker for a cane for a short time. I found out I was pregnant for a long awaited, VERY much prayed for, baby. We had a beautiful new house, everything was great! Then, it hit the fan. It started in April. April Fool's Day, to be exact. I started bleeding at 6 weeks pregnant. I had NEVER done anything like that before. I've always had an EXTREMELY difficult time getting pregnant, but have always done pregnancy beautifully (at least, until the very end of the pregnancy). Turns out, my progesterone was low, so I started taking a progesterone pill. Didn't help. After a few days, I got the dreaded phone call from my OB, saying we had lost the baby. I was (and really, still am) beyond devastated. We had a small memorial service in the backyard, and that was nice. Meanwhile, my mom's health started going back down.

The next month, May 13, we found out that we would NOT be getting custody of Chocolate Chip back. Not only that, but the visitation schedule would stay largely the same, and I'd have to pay more money. It felt like a knife to my already wounded heart.

In the beginning of June (around Father's Day), my mom suddenly looked to be on death's doorstep. Literally. She even had me call all 3 of her brothers (2 of which she hadn't been on good terms with in YEARS), so that she could see them and forgive them in person. All 3 came, said what they needed to, and left on good terms. 1 of them, who I had been close to as a child, is truly back in my life, and though he lives in St. Louis, I really feel pretty close to him and his family again, which is a huge blessing. We're actually planning on spending Passover with them this year, which will be lovely (in case you didn't know, my mom's family was Jewish, and this particular uncle is an Israeli ordained rabbi).

The end of June/beginning of July held 5 sleepless days and nights (in a row) for my mom and myself, as her disease had progressed to a terminal delirium (I think that's what it's called), and not only did she not appear at all tired or sleepy (no matter what meds we tried), but anytime I took my eyes off of her for more than a few minutes, she was getting out of bed and falling, or doing some other awful thing. She finally died in a peaceful coma on July 28 this year, warm, and loved in her own home, here with us.

The rest of the summer/fall was extremely busy, preparing for winter, and making changes to the house that we had been putting on hold, so as not to bother my mother who had become pretty sensitive to noise. We got a new fireplace, new windows, recently put 67 bags of insulation in the attic, and my husband finished the garage.

November came, and so did Charlotte's due date (November 23), which was agony. The memories and feelings of the day(s) we lost her back in April came flooding back. Of course, that was a Sunday, and so we went to Mass, and saw all kinds of pregnant women, and tiny babies, which did nothing for my increasing depression and anxiety. That Thursday was Thanksgiving. Awful. I survived it. The day after Thanksgiving was worse. My husband and the girls wanted to put up the Christmas tree and decorations. I wanted to die. I didn't know how I was going to face Christmas without my youngest child. Yes, child. I know that I had only been 6 weeks pregnant, but that baby was no less loved, and no less my child than my other 2 born children. I had no less dreams, expectations, and hopes for that child than I do my other 2. If we as Catholics, believe in life at conception, then why is it so hard for some of my Catholic friends to acknowledge that one of my children died??? I'm expected to be mourning my mother, but I have had some friends not even consider that I should be mourning my child too. I do miss my mom, and Thanksgiving was strange without her, as was Hanukkah (we celebrate 1 night of Hanukkah on St. Lucy's feast day to keep the traditions alive for myself and my children), and I'm sure it will be strange to have Christmas without her. However, the main source of my pain and dreading Christmas does not stem from my mother's absence, but from my child's.

December, thankfully, is nearing it's end, along with this awful, terrible, horrible year. Unfortunately, I still have 2 more holidays to endure first. Christmas is coming, faster that I'd like. Actually, Emma has the flu, started with a fever Thursday night, and has pretty much been on top of me, breathing, coughing, and sneezing germs my way the entire time. I've actually been hoping to catch it, so that I have a valid excuse to hide from the world on Christmas, but so far, nothing. Blasted good immune system... Anyway, I still have a few more days to possibly catch it, so here's hoping! After Christmas, is New Year's Eve. We normally spend New Year's Eve with the same group of families at the hosting family's house. I had been looking forward to going with my new baby this year, but now... To top it off, one of the families HAS a new baby, who was born just a week or two before Charlotte's due date, with the middle name the same as our boy name that we have been waiting to use. Thankfully, that is the grandbaby of the family, and that daughter hasn't come to the party in years, but still...I'm sure there would be plenty of talk and pictures to show. Thankfully, we haven't gotten the annual invitation yet, and I'm rather hoping we won't, as I know I'd be expected to go. One year, the hosting family went on some big vacation, and so there was no party that year. Kinda hoping that's the case this year, too. Anyway, I hope you'll excuse me if I have no "Christmas Spirit" this year. I'm just trying to survive the death of my mother, and yes, my child. Hopefully next year will be better. It can't (please God) be much worse than this year has been.

Honestly, if it weren't for my wonderful husband, I would probably be in an insane asylum or dead by suicide by now. He keeps me sane, and even gets me to smile and laugh. The oils are helping a lot too. But, I doubt I would have even cared to search for the oils if my husband wasn't the loving, supportive, caring, wonderful man that he is. He really got my attention when he told me he was worried about me, and that I should probably talk to someone (like a therapist). If he hadn't said that, I probably would have just continued my downward spiral until he was planning my funeral. Thanks to him and my essential oils, I am here, surviving, looking for hope and joy in the coming year.

I hope you all have had a better year than I have, and find the Joy that is eluding me this Christmas.

God Bless everyone, especially those who have been by my side, helping me through the worst year of my life.

Dana

Another Essential Oil Miracle

As you might recall, early this year, Young Living Essential Oils helped me conceive little Charlotte Marie after only 2 weeks of use. Well, I'm not pregnant, but have an even bigger Essential Oil (EO) miracle to report.

Going into Thanksgiving without my baby or my mom was difficult. Immediately following Thanksgiving was killing me. Literally, killing me. Christmas decorations and commercials were constant reminders that Christmas would be here whether I could handle it or not. I couldn't get off the couch, it took every ounce of my being to not constantly be sobbing, and every time I was alone for more than a few minutes, I was sobbing. I even started having some suicidal thoughts. It was BAD. Then, Saturday afternoon, I asked some oily friends for help. They gave me a recipe that saved my sanity, and probably my life. There are other brands of EOs, and I don't know much about them or their effectiveness, but Young Living brand is what I use.

My antidepressant recipe:
In a 15 ml bottle, I mixed 30 drops of Valor, 30 drops of Frankincense, 30 drops of Peace & Calming, and filled with a carrier oil (I use extra virgin olive oil, because I always have it in the house). Twice a day, I put it on my heart and spine.

I also use 1 drop of Orange, and a couple drops of Stress Away on my wrists twice a day.

Cedarwood on the back of my neck for sleep.

Since I started using this mixture, I am smiling, joking, and laughing again. I'm ME again. It's nothing short of a miracle. I even put up all of our Christmas decorations with only a little sadness, instead of sobbing and wanting to gouge my eyes out. (Seriously, it was BAD)

I can't even begin to explain to you how bad I was doing, and how much better I am now.

I would like to ask prayers, however, for 3 (yes, THREE) of my friends who have suffered a miscarriage in the last couple of weeks. I unfortunately know all too well the heart wrenching pain they are experiencing right now, and I know that nothing physical can help them right now.

In Christ,
Dana

Posted via Blogaway

Finding Things to be Thankful For

On this very difficult Thanksgiving, I thought I would make a list of things I AM thankful for. So, here they are in no particular order:

I am thankful that I was able to care for my mom, here at home, until her last breath.

I am thankful for my 2 beautiful girls, who are both with me today, and healthy.

I am thankful for my little saint in Heaven, who I am sure is praying for me today and always.

I am thankful for my wonderful husband, without whom I would likely be in an insane asylum or prison right now.

I am thankful to still have a house, food on the table, and heat.

I am thankful to have reconnected with my uncles and their families. It's nice to feel like I have an extended family again. ❤

I am thankful that this year is almost over.

I am thankful for wonderful friends and their prayers.

I am thankful for our awesome puppy, Skye, who always seems to know when I need an extra hug or kiss. :)

I hope all of you can find some joy and something to be thankful for today, even if you have to look harder than you ever have.

Try to have a Happy Thanksgiving!
Dana

Posted via Blogaway

Happy Birthday, Charlotte Marie

Today should have been Charlotte's birthday (approximately). Needless to say, I've been having a hard day. Okay, a hard week and a crappy day, if I'm being totally honest.

Recap from the week:
Monday we had a smallish fire in the garage (smallish in that the house is still standing and everyone is okay, but we DID have the fire department out here), and the cat ran away. Thankfully, our AWESOME puppy (not quite 4 months old) took her leash in her mouth and took me to the cat, who was hiding in a bush behind a neighbor's house. Things were a little better until Friday. Friday, Emma and I were on our way to a field trip when I got pulled over because the plates on my mom's car were expired. Apparently the notification had gone to an old address, so I had no idea. Fun. Then, as soon as I got done talking to the cop, the low tire pressure light came on. *sigh* Turned out to just be from the cold, and a very nice tire man helped me air it up for free. Still... Then, that evening I found out that a friend of mine had just suffered a miscarriage. My own miscarriage came flooding back to me, and thinking about another woman going through that so close to my due date just broke me right in half.

Fast forward to today. My meltdown about the day really started yesterday, when I found myself sobbing in the shower. Thought I was doing fairly decently until it was time to go up for communion at Mass today, and I saw tiny newborns being carried by their mothers. I lost it. I managed to hold back the tears until I got back to my pew, but then they flowed freely. Even Emma, who struggles with empathy kept staring at me, and finally gave me a big hug. Finally made it home, and I'm doing better again now.

Anyway, I kept meaning to post, and have all sorts of ideas, but I have had close to zero motivation lately. It's just been a super crappy year, and I'm totally over it. Can we just fast forward to 2015 already? I'm done with this one.

Posted via Blogaway

Where to Start?

Okay, so it's been about a month since my last post. I'm sure you'll understand why in a minute or two...

In the last month, we've started full-blown homeschooling, joined a homeschool co-op that meets for field trips the 1st and 3rd Fridays, started doing Little Flowers on the 2nd Fridays, Wednesdays we usually hang out with our other homeschool group, Thursday is adoration, ballet on Mondays, and that's just our usual activities. In addition to that stuff, we've also gotten a new fireplace, put the brick on said fireplace, turned my mom's old bedroom into our classroom, and Emma has a birthday coming up soon. Oh, and we're getting a puppy tomorrow. Wow! I'm exhausted just TYPING all that! Lol

Anyway, I also had my first meeting today with a naturopath/friend to discuss natural options to help me conceive again, and hopefully carry to term this time. I'm going to start various different vitamins and supplements to try to boost my fertility. Here's hoping!

I've been extra sensitive and weepy the last few days. As you might recall, I suffered a miscarriage this last April, and if I was still pregnant, I would be quickly approaching my mid-November due date. It's been hitting me hard when I see newborn babies and pregnant women. Well, not all pregnant women. Mostly just ones that I know are due in mid-November, or just look like they are due around then. It just reminds me of how I would be looking now. It also hit me hard on Wednesday, when I found out one of my friends is 6 weeks pregnant (I was 6 weeks when I lost Charlotte). My husband is awesome, but I can't really share my pain with him, because we can never get time to talk without Emma interrupting. Of course, he goes to sleep long before she does most nights, so that's helpful (not!).

Anyway, I'll leave you with happy stuff. Pictures of our completed projects:

From left to right (or top to bottom):
1: the fireplace (obviously)
2: our little altar/prayer area
3: bookcase with Emma's tadpole and cursive alphabet along the top of the wall.
4: teacher desk, chalkboard and turtle
5: futon for snuggling during non-writing lessons &/ stories.

Hope you've been well!
God Bless!

Dana

Posted via Blogaway

Here Goes Nothing!

Life is starting to calm down a little here. Mom's finances are now in my name, we've picked out and ordered our new fireplace and stone for the fireplace, Emma has started school (a couple weeks earlier than I planned, but whatever), and by next weekend we'll have painted mom's bedroom and begin turning it into our school room. We've signed Emma up for Little Flowers and ballet, and purchased all needed equipment and accessories for those activities. There's still stuff to do, but we're starting to see a normal life and schedule emerging.

So, yesterday afternoon out of nowhere, I got a STRONG urge from somewhere to start using my Progessence Plus oil again. As you may recall, that is the oil that helped me conceive my little Charlotte Marie back in March, who I then lost in miscarriage in April. Last time, I started the Progessence Oil, and about 2 weeks later, discovered I was pregnant. Just like last time, I'm about mid-cycle... I'm pretty anxious about it, and a little worried that I'll just end up miscarrying again. If you wouldn't mind praying for me during these next couple weeks, I'd really appreciate it. Please pray that no matter what happens, I maintain my peace and trust in God.

After I applied my Progessence Plus oil, I noticed the bottle was getting fairly empty. I started to just go online to buy another bottle, but I couldn't just buy another bottle without signing up for some kind of membership. So I just went for it, and signed up completely. I had planned on it at some point anyway, so I just decided to go for it. I can now buy whatever oils I need at a discount, which is great. So, if you live locally and need some oils, let me know! I might be able to send them places too. Not sure how that works yet.

Anyway, please pray for me.

Thanks and God Bless!

Posted via Blogaway